May 6th, 2024 - 1 year later.
May 6th, 2025 // By: Cabri Caldwell
"Are you good to walk inside? Go ahead and get out so you don't have to walk as far and I'll be right in"
90 second.
Beep beep.
Doors locked.
Sonic drinks secured.
Because who knows how long we will have to wait..
Oh God.
Why are you on the floor. What happened.
Your eyes. They're lifeless.
There's too much rushing.
Too much yelling.
A resident, or a nurse, or maybe even a janitor for all I know says "we need a c-collar."
But the doctor says "we don't have time for a c-collar. We need to get her back NOW."
It wasnt a scream. It wasn't even a loud tone. It was a singular word that was - ear drum blast - deafening.
I've never seen a doctor so effortless hurl herself on top of a grown woman on a gurney. But there she was. Like a damn sterile gazelle who was looking death square in the eyes.
CEL--
A --
BRATE --
GOOD --
TIMES --
COME ON!
Chest compression.
Chest compression.
Chest compression.
Still no breath.
Chest compression.
Chest compression.
Still no breath..
"Ma’am. If you would like to have a seat, someone can take you back shortly."
Sonic drinks secured. Because who knows how long we will be here...
An eternity. In 90 seconds.
People talk about moments when they wish they could freeze frame time.
People don't talk about moments when they wish they could unfreeze time..
I need to call dad. I can call dad. Tell him to come. Immediately.
I need to call Kelli. She needs to get here.
I don't know what happened or what to tell them. They just need to be here.
…
…
…
Done. I did it. I didn't even cry. I stayed strong.
But I can't call Jacob.
I can't hear his voice.
I can't risk breaking in front of all these people in the damn ER lobby.
I can't do it.
A text will suffice.
"Ma’am, if you would follow me, Id like to take you back. Can I carry something for you? A drink maybe?"
... But what am I supposed to do with my hands.
... And if I'm holding this sonic cup my hands won't shake as bad.
…
Doors.
Left turn.
Hallways.
Right turn.
A door.
Chairs.
A room.
A room that has held people with gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, bone-chilling sorrow. Unimaginable grief. Immense sadness. So much so. The room itself is - weepy.
Alone.
I didn't want to be in the lobby with an audience on my worst day.
But somehow being in a weepy room alone is somehow worse.
Clocks ticking.
Vending machines rattling.
Footsteps walking.
Monitors beeping.
Carts rolling.
But still that - ear drum blast deafening.
Nothingness.
And of course the squeak of a Sonic straw in a rt 44 cup.
Because who knows how long we are gonna be here..
Who knows how long I have been here..
...
...
...
Dad's here.
Kelli's here.
Jacob's here.
Clay's here.
Mom is not here.
...
"Don't assume the worst, we dont know yet"
"No news is good news"
"They would have come to tell us if she was gone by now"
Somehow those comments are supposed to be comforting, but also = not.
Clocks ticking.
Vending machines rattling.
Footsteps walking.
Monitors beeping.
Carts rolling.
Still nothingness.
...
...
...
A knock on the door.
"Are you the Carpenter family?"
BUT IS SHE ALIVE.
"I wanted to give you an update on Susan."
BUT IS SHE ALIVE.
"Things were a little touch and go there for a second.
BUT IS SHE ALIVE.
"We ended up doing about 5 minutes of CPR."
BUT IS SHE ALIVE.
"We had to put a pic line in her shin"
BUT IS SHE ALIVE.
"We arent out of the woods yet..."
A frail, crackle of a voice holding on to the last ounce of hope -
”but she's alive?”
That's not my voice.
I don't sound like that.
She alive.
Barely.
Kinda sorta.
Not totally, but
*Enough*
"Would you like to go see her?"
Yes.
Definitely.
Because I'm not going to believe it otherwise.
I'll leave the Sonic drinks this time....
But what am I supposed to do with my hands?
Doors.
Right turn.
Long hallway.
Left turn.
Hallway.
A door.
Stillness.
Breath.
But in a artificial, manufactured manner.
Blood.
Pasty skin.
Sweaty hair.
Lifelessness. But not...
Alive. Barely.
*Enough*
But she's still not here.
Her body might be here.
But her spirit is not here.
Not right now.
Not in this moment.
Can she hear me?
Does she know I love her?
When was the last time I told her?
What was the last thing I told her?
Damn sonic drinks.
"I love you."
It's the only words I have.
She has to know the monologue of things I would say right now, right?
If I could?
If my voice worked?
If my mouth opened?
If I too wasn't stunned by the deafening silence...
A quick little foot tickle as we walk out the door.
Just to make sure she isn't faking it..
A door.
Hallway.
Right turn.
Long hallway.
Left turn.
A door.
The weepy room.
Damn sonic drinks..
But what I am supposed to do with my hands?
What am I supposed to do now at all?
What happens now.
*Stomach growls*
"We should eat. It's been hours."
Jacob. A man of reasoning. And fabulous timing when it comes to disarming my hangry.
God I love this man.
Dad says, "Go on, I'll stay up here with Susan tonight. Get some food. Get some rest. I'll let you know if anything changes here.."
But -
What am I supposed to do now at all?
What happens now?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY HANDS?
Squeaky straw ensemble begins again.
Damn sonic drinks...
A door.
Left turn.
Hallways.
Right turn.
Doors.
An ER lobby.
Too many lingering stares.
Too many sympathetic looks.
Too much pitty.
What the frick am I supposed to do with my hands?
Beep beep.
Doors unlocked.
Sonic cup in cup holder.
Turn on the car.
Hands at 10 and 2.
I don't remember how to drive.
I don't remember where I live.
I don't know where I'm going.
What just happened?
What is happening?
Darkness.
Missing time.
A black hole of space, moments, and memories.
Gone.
1:23am
8 new messages
Dad: "We are moving up to a room in ICU. I'll send you the room number. See y'all in the morning."
+++++
ICU doors open at 8pm for visitors.
Or slumber party guests, in my case..
Dad had the morning shift.
Kell has the afternoon / evening shift.
And I have the graveyard shift..
Except we were waaayyyyy to close to that whole graveyard thing so we will just call it the overnight shift..
I have my dinner, a coffee, and a couple snack pop tarts.
Ya know. Just in case.
But also - who are y'all to judge me for an 8pm coffee when my day is just beginning..
Hospital calories are like vacation calories.
They simply don't count.
Also. Time is relative in hospitals. It's a black hole where it simply doesn't exist.
There she is.
My little hot mess.
Who gave us a really big scare.
She has always been good at causing a scene.. and when she wakes up for good, I'm gonna tell her to tone down the dramatics.
4 nights has been a lifetime.
They assure us that the ventilator is just helping support her breathing. Not doing it for her.
But tomorrow's the day.
Tomorrow they will pull the tube and see if she can sustain it on her own.
It's equal parts exciting and terrifying.
She's gonna be so pissed when she realizes they cut off a good bra AND a pair of Judy blue jeans when all this happened..
And that hair.
She desperately needs a shower.
But with like the good shit.
Purple shampoo and creamy body wash that smells like heaven.
Not sterile, alcohol smelling soap.
Tomorrow is the day..
...
...
Hospitals should invest in better chairs if they are going to have slumber party guests sleeping in them for days on end..
My back may never be the same.
Also - waking up to fluorescent, bright ass lights.. ew.
Over it.
But worth it to be here with her.
Even if I do have to sleep in this chair for another month.
She would do it for me.
All things considered, there are worse things..
Today is the day.
But first - breakfast burritos courtesy of Rayford.
You don't really miss someone's voice until you aren't able to hear it.
You don't miss the little flecks of color in their eyes until you can't see it.
You don't miss their funny way of asking lots of questions until they are silent.
You don't miss the constant sound of an emory board until it's been gone for days..
Little things that you mistake or take for granted.
Weird how you can miss things that used to make you crazy..
...
...
...
These things take time.
But this is taking FOREVER.
We stopped the paralytic.
We stopped the sedative.
Hours ago.
This is not at all like the movies portray when someone just *wakes up* all bright eyes and bushy tailed off a ventilator..
Hollywood lied.
...
...
...
Well hi sunshine!
*grunt*
It is so good to see those pretty eyes!
*blink*
*blink blink*
Don't try to talk, your throat will be sore. You are in the hospital. You had a little accudent. You probably have questions but right now just relax and we will answer all the questions and fill you in later..
*Blink*
*Blink blink*
One last slow blink with heavy eyelids as she drifts off to sleep...
…
Kellliiiiiiiii.
Oh my gosh.
She is going to freak.
Did you see her tooth?
Gone.
Busted.
Probably when she collapsed.
And its a front tooth!
She's going to freak when she realizes it's gone..
...
...
...
In the quietest whisper..
"Wateeerr. Pleaassse"
You got it girlfriend.
I am so happy to see you awake and eyes shining.
How are you feeling?
*Gulp*
*Gulp*
*Gulp*
Easy killer. Your throat is probably still recovering..
*Gulp*
Do you want anything else right now?
*Blink*
With heavy eyes as she drifts off to sleep.
Don't worry, we grab the cup before she spills ice water all over herself...
...
...
...
Do you know where you are?
"Scott & White?"
Close, but your actually in Lubbock at UMC..
*Not close at all but whatever*
Do you know what year it is?
"2016?"
Close, but it's actually 2024...
*Not close at all but time is relative*
Do you know who is president?
"Obama?"
Um. Not really. But that's okay too.
*Still not even remotely close*
Do you know where you work?
"DPS"
Um, nope. That's been a few years ago.. you work somewhere else now. Any idea where?
*Okay - we are about 10 years off. It's fine. Everything is fine.*
Maybe we will hold off on more questions for now. I don't want to overwhelm you...
Is there anything you need or want right now?
”Can you call Mom and Dad? I don't know why they arent already up here...”
Shit.
How do I tell my mom that they are dead. And have been... For years.
No one prepared me for this!
What am I supposed to do with my hands?!?!
...
...
...
Okay.
She's only asked about Grandma and Grandpa 6 more times.. and it's getting easier to tell her they are gone.
I mean, probably not for her. But for me.
They said this could be a short term memory thing or she woke up in 2016 and the last 8 years are gone.. Who knows.
But she remembers Pax. And she knew his birth was in 2022. So some of it is still there.
It could be temporary. This could be forever.
Who knows how long we will be here..
...
...
...
Stop moving your head!
"But you are pulling my hair!"
Well mom. This is what happens when youve been in a hospital bed for a week. I don't want your hair matted so we have to brush it out. Consider this restribution for all those years you aggressively brushed my hair..
"You are soooo cranky"
You would be too if you slumber parties it up with the overnight shift and that terrible, comfortable chair for the last 7 nights..
...
...
...
"When do I get to go home?!"
Well, seeing as you aren't even up and walking at all, I would say not today. I'm not a doctor or anything but that's just an educated guess....
"I'm so ready to be out of this hospital"
10 nights.
My back is concrete from that damn chair.
I'm so ready to be out of this hospital too, Mom.
...
...
What are you so excited about?
"Tomorrow! We are breaking out tomorrow!"
Yesssss... But....
You're going straight to a rehab hospital. So it's going to be similar to this..
"But it's not here. I just want out of here.."
Me too. Me too.
Who knew how long we'd have to be here..
+++
On April 17th, 2024, my mom went in for a routine hip replacement surgery. In the 3 weeks that followed, she contracted a staph infection that eventually led to sepsis. On May 6th, she was nauseous, running a fever, and lethargic. We made the decision to take her to the ER. I dropped her off at the front door and went to park the car. When I got inside, she had collapsed from an cardiac event. In the process of the cardiac event she sustained an anoxic brain injury and a stroke from the time she was not breathing. They chose to do a hip replacement cleanout to get rid of the infection. We ended up having a total of 12 days in ICU, 4 of which she was intubated and sedated. We then had 2 days in a regular hospital room, and another 10 days in a rehab hospital.
Over the last year we have had a plethora of doctors, appointments, physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, 2 additonal cardiac events, walkers, canes, heart monitors, so much more. Through all the chaos and the lingering effects of the hip replacement, cardiac events, stroke and brain injury, the most important thing remains —
She is alive.
We werent quite sure if we would ever make it to this point. Some days are harder than others. But selfishly I would much rather have the hard days with her, than to not have her at all.
God’s mercy shows everyday. Even on the hard days.
One day God will reveal why these things happened. But until then, he is still redeeming this story. He will continue to redeem this story and this season of life. Just as He lives — so does she.